In the Holy Chaos...

There was no sermon today so I post this instead of a sermon response.

I can smell oil of Chrism on my fingers. As I type its spice mingles with the scent of rain through the open window. I love the scent of it, I love the memories of baptisms and blessings it evokes each time I catch even a hint of it. It will be with me for the rest of the day, sanctifying my sabbath.

I begin to believe that God moves most strongly in chaos. The times in my life when the world has gone most thin, when I could feel God pressing in about me, have most often been in the midst of chaos. Sometimes that chaos is painful, turbulent, unwelcome. But sometimes, as today, it is joyful, exuberant, and most humbly welcome.

It is Trinity Sunday. We had four baptisms, an instructed Eucharist, and no deacon. I was acolyte and LEM. The chaos was beautiful. It is those moments when we all, leaders and congregation, move together through the chaos joyfully that I treasure most. As I juggle a pascal candle, towels, and oil for blessing. Or as I stand nervously beside S, finger trailing down the page of the altar book for the first time, marking our place in the service. Would it have all gone more smoothly with practice and careful detailed planning? Perhaps. Instead we enjoyed the moments of confusion, when each member of the liturgical dance caught one other as we stumbled; and shared laughter and smiles.

The chaos stopped, the world went utterly still and silent for me as S gave me the bread and the wine, and then set the plate in my hands and held out her own. Our narrator was still reading the words of instruction but I couldn't hear him. My throat closed tight. It wasn't tears, it was awe. A feeling of complete and total unworthiness for what I had just been asked to do. I got the words out; barely and brokenly. The body of Christ, the bread of heaven. There are no words for the moment. Only humble gratitude that God, in His holy chaos had led me to that place. My fingers returned with mingled relief and regretful longing to the familiar cool metal of the chalice.

The Trinity: God surprises us; Christ shocks us; the Spirit moves us. In chaos. And I am grateful for the reminder. It is not my place to ensure that my life, and the life of each of those I love, runs smoothly. It is not my place to manage and control. It is my place, in the midst of chaos, to trust. To hold out my unready hands, to lift my untested voice, and do what is asked of me. In the midst of holy chaos. Alleluia, Alleluia, Alleluia!