Desperate Harm

"I am afraid that she will do a desperate outrage to herself!" What old fashioned words. And yet perhaps so much more appropriate than medical sounding terms like 'suicide.'

How long has it been since such a subject was too distant for me to have to think about? Perhaps back to Junior High, those awkward years between child and adult. By High School suicide was part of my vocabulary, two older students had indeed done desperate outrage to themselves and were gone.

We are surrounded it seems by desperation. It creeps in close even in our joy. While a life begins, or a new chapter in another's life unfolds there are always those so lost in darkness that outrage and harm seem the only path they can see.

Is there any fear deeper than knowing someone you love is dwelling in such deep darkness? Is there anything that can still the heart so instantly as the thought that one we love might do desperate harm to themselves? While many celebrated last week a family member did just that. He failed at our new word. The cold and clinical suicide. But he succeeded in inflicting desperate harm.

Even as I mourn his pain, it reminds me of what could have been, what might have happened. My heart shivers at the thought that another dear to me nearly did desperate outrage. I would not have known until it was too late. But for the little ones who called her name, called her back, I might have lost her to darkness.

And yet there are more, my prayers gained a new member. Another soul trapped in darkness. But thank God, not silent. It is silence that seizes me with dread. Silence is where desperation builds brick on brick, creating a wall so solid and high light can find no way through or over. And the soul trapped within withers and finally, lost within the desperation, does outrage.

Lord of Light let all those lost in darkness be not silent but cry out with a loud voice. Give us ears inclined to hear them and equip us to rush in with your light; that no one would feel the need to do harm or outrage in desperation.