Mistakes

We all make mistakes. Lets admit that right now. I screw up. So do you, friend. We are human, mistakes are part of what define us. Small or large. We offend a coworker with an off-hand comment, we forget to mail the rent check, we back the car over a garden rake, we change a time honored tradition too suddenly at the new job, we loose our temper, we drop the hammer on our toe, we hurt someone we love.

The story tellers who gave us the ancient Hebrew scriptures understood. Humanity was ever flawed. Here's the relevant text:

2 Samuel 12:15-31 (NRSV)

Then Nathan went to his house.

The LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife bore to David, and it became very ill. David therefore pleaded with God for the child; David fasted, and went in and lay all night on the ground. The elders of his house stood beside him, urging him to rise from the ground; but he would not, nor did he eat food with them. On the seventh day the child died. And the servants of David were afraid to tell him that the child was dead; for they said, “While the child was still alive, we spoke to him, and he did not listen to us; how then can we tell him the child is dead? He may do himself some harm.” But when David saw that his servants were whispering together, he perceived that the child was dead; and David said to his servants, “Is the child dead?” They said, “He is dead.”

Then David rose from the ground, washed, anointed himself, and changed his clothes. He went into the house of the LORD, and worshiped; he then went to his own house; and when he asked, they set food before him and he ate. Then his servants said to him, “What is this thing that you have done? You fasted and wept for the child while it was alive; but when the child died, you rose and ate food.” He said, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me, and the child may live.’ But now he is dead; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”

Then David consoled his wife Bathsheba, and went to her, and lay with her; and she bore a son, and he named him Solomon. The LORD loved him, and sent a message by the prophet Nathan; so he named him Jedidiah, because of the LORD.

David is perhaps one of the most real heroes in the Bible. He is brave, generous, and loving. But he is also greedy, selfish, and blind. He screws up. He has an affair with another man's wife and to cover it up he has him killed. And perhaps for awhile he even thought he'd gotten away with it. Whew, God wasn't looking.

But the storytellers knew that our mistakes catch up with us. They eat at us. We need consequences, and David finds consequences. Horrible ones, his son pays the price for his father's sins and dies. This isn't a discussion about whether or not that is a just punishment, and that wasn't the point of the story anyway so look beyond it. David mourns, weeps, deprives himself. But when the cost is paid he does not go back to wallowing in grief and self pity. He stands up and goes on with life.

I think of all the New Testament stories where Jesus declares the sins of a bystander forgiven. They do as David does and go on with their lives. They shed their dis-ease, their sin, their sorrow, their guilt and move on. It seems so simple for them, so easy.

Its not often so simple for us, is it? When we make a mistake we hide from it, we hope no one will notice, when they do we deny it. Perhaps we even deny it to ourselves. We convince ourselves we were right and all those other people, they're wrong. Or we allow the guilt to consume us, we wail and gnash our teeth and torture ourselves with our failing. We shame ourselves publicly and loudly. We apologize and make grand speeches. We sit for days, months, even years in the ashes and sack-cloth of our mourning.

We have something to learn from David, and from those that Jesus made clean. We must face our mistakes, and their consequences. But we must not live in them. We must stand up, wash our faces, and move on with our lives. To do less is to reject the gift of grace offered by a loving God. That isn't to say we shouldn't learn from our mistakes. Perhaps the next time we find ourselves in a similar situation we will remember the taste of ash and act differently.

What are you carrying in your heart? What heavy, sharp things nick you and draw blood? Let them go dear ones. Drop the heavy heart-stones where you stand. You can be no help and no comfort while your arms are full of them, while your eyes are blinded by tears. David not only moved on with his own life he allowed, enabled, and helped those around him move on with theirs.

I once was silent when I should have spoken, I once was passive when I should have fought. The consequences were paid by another. But when I found myself again at the same fork in the road I turned away from the easy path and I walked on with life into risk. I spoke up, I took a chance. The old heavy burden was set down at that fork. Like David I rose from my mourning, and self-doubt, and stepped out trusting that "the Lord loved [me]."

The Lord bless you and keep you;
The Lord make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you;
The Lord turn his face to you and give you peace.

Numbers 6:24-26

Name of God

The dunes have no name for ___.
Gulls cry only "I."
Pine and birch breath centuries
and form the shape of ___.
What are words to constrain,
when all creation reflects?
Loon cry is truth.
There is no lie
in the death cry of the rabbit.
There is no interpretation
in the pounding waves.
The storm can be only as it is,
and ___ follow it,
and ___ proceed it.
Silent voice that needs no Name.

Prayer for help

We thank you Father that we do not walk alone. We thank you for the councilors and guides who help us to discern your will. For those who support us with their guidance, their love, their prayers, or their listening hearts. For the small reminders throughout the hard fought days and dark nights of our lives that we are never truly alone. For you are with us Lord, and you have surrounded us with helpers. For their care, we thank you. For our own ability to accept the help and advice they offer, we pray. Amen.

Northern Cathedral

Towering cathedral pine,
raftered with clouds,
floored with mica and gypsum
shining reflection spilled
as fallen stars.

Gulls sing accompaniment
to the organ, rolling waves.
A symphony of praise
in light and wind.

No need here for name
or holy Word;
for hallowed spaces
or the learned,
debating Godhead.

Creation speaks with
tongue unbridled by
the fearful minds of men.

Morning Prayer

We praise you for the morning, for the sun that burns away the fog. We praise you for morning, for the dew that frosts long waving stems and catches the first light in a thousand shimmering drops. We praise you for the morning, for the sound of birdsong and water or for the rumble of traffic and voices around us. We praise you for morning, for a new creation in which we are invited to take part. We praise you for morning, for midday, and for evening. Turn our hearts toward you and incline our ears to hear you in the myriad voices of creation. Amen.

Prayer for separation in trouble

Holy One we ask your blessing on those we love who are far from us. Those in danger or peril, those in distress or pain. We long to be with them to comfort and protect them. In our absence wrap them in your loving embrace that they might know your presence. For You are always with them, and they are never far from You. Be their protection and their strength we beseech you. Be their comfort and help. Remind them of our love for them with each breath they draw. And keep them in the knowledge of Your steadfast love. For the sake of Him who lived and died and rose again for us. Amen.

The Dollmaker (movie review)

I'm afraid this one will be rather harder to find, folks. It is currently out of print (I looked) and available only used in VHS format. Hopefully its due to hit DVD soon because its worth having on hand.

S loaned me The Dollmaker back when she loaned me Priest. I've only just now gotten around to watching it (bad me, I know). This one was definitely outside my normal movie watching fare. For those not familiar with the story the setting is 1940s Detroit and Appalachia. You could watch this movie five minutes at a time and find something to discuss with a group in each segment. Everything from poverty, to hope, feminism to faith, bigotry, pride, creativity, gift, sorrow and blessing.

I really don't want to spoil the story for anyone, its one that should be seen without prior discussion, but I do want to try to delicately address some of the things covered. If you haven't watched the movie and don't want any of it spoiled stop now. Otherwise read on.

First I need to give credit to Jane Fonda. I'm not personally fond of her as a person but I must give her credit as an actress. From the opening scene I forgot who she was, Jane disappeared entirely into Gertie. That's a skill not many actors possess. Second, I have a pet peeve that often destroys the enjoyment of "period piece" movies. When characters become obvious modern plants in another time. Yes all those independent free thinking women with backbone and education dropped into the 1400s really annoy me. Gertie Nevel could have easily been such a woman. A liberated modern product of the feminist movement dropped into 1940s Appalachia. But she wasn't.

Gertie is no weakling but she conforms to the society around her. She obeys her husband (outwardly at least), she is scandalized by women who fall outside the "norms", she remains true to her setting. And yet she is the strong driving force behind her family. She remains rooted in her principles despite violent transplant.

At its simplest its a story about "things." The way they tie us down and enslave us to a system and a life we only thought we wanted. It could have been left that way but it would have been unsatisfying and easily forgotten if it had. "Things" are bad, people and dreams are good. Being poor but rural is romantic and wonderful. It would have left the viewer hungry for something real and feeling slightly cheated.

Fortunately, it didn't get left that way. In the end it wasn't about things at all. It was about what ties us down. The things, the people, the expectations, the unspoken words, the culture. I watched the most important moment of the film with tears in my eyes, happy tears. I understood why, in a moment that I had dreaded, Gertie was not just happy but jubilant. I understood because I have come to the same freeing realization.

Liberating is the word S used I think, and it was. In a way, it was gospel in an image. Freedom, true freedom. Sacrifice that is no sacrifice and the discovery of true self. Gertie and I have discovered the ability to let go of everything but the people we love. Something that had been so important to her she paid what was surely an outrageous amount to ensure it followed her to Detroit. Something so much a part of her that even heart shattering mourning could not pry her heart away from it. In the end, the release of it became the release of everything she had lost and everything she had denied herself.

Gertie could have kept that treasure, she could have "finished" it. But she would have lost something far more precious in the process. That's about all I can say without giving away unforgivable spoilers. If you've watched the movie and want to discuss it start a thread in the comments or send me an email, I'd love to discuss it further.

Highly recommended. And yet, without car chases and explosions I fear this gem will remain unavailable.

Seeing

Creator, you give us light that we might see You in moments others miss. Catch our hearts up, so joined to you that all our looking might be seeking. That all our hearing my be listening for your voice. That behind our eyes we might see you in each moment, captured within our soul. Light through colored panes, or emerald leaves. Let us see you when we seek, and let us who find you in a mote of dust, the bloom of a rose, or light pooling into impossibility, bring You to the world that does not see and has forgotten how to seek. That all who are hungry for wonder might be fed. Amen.

Lectionary meditation (8/19/2007)

Readings for this week.

Luke 12:49-56
If this were a real sermon this week it would have a title "In which Jesus breaks the 11th commandment: Preachers shall not loose their cool." Yeah, Jesus truly looses his temper. He has had enough.

Up until now its all been pretty good if you're hanging around Jesus. He has been healing the sick and the possessed, he has been preaching great sermons about new ways of living together and loving one another. He's charismatic and exciting; a really good distraction from all the tedious stuff of life like fishing and farming, baking bread and washing up. But we all know the unwritten 11th commandment. Rabis, preachers, priests, pastors, whatever we call them; they aren't allowed to loose their temper! Its just not seemly, it makes people uncomfortable. Aren't they called to be better than that? Don't our processes weed out the "unstable" people? Aren't these people trained?

Yeah, Jesus looses it. He's not sitting quietly here talking about lambs and shepherds. He's yelling about fire and strife and violence! He has resorted to name calling! How does he expect to keep followers if he looses his temper like that? Doesn't he know its just not done?

Jesus wouldn't have been a popular Episcopal priest, he didn't belong to all the "proper" social organizations, he didn't have a stable family, he dissed the way things had always been done, he mouthed off to authority figures. But worst of all, he wasn't afraid to make people uncomfortable. And he made a special effort to point out the differences between God's way and the way humans do things. Most of our expectations, aren't the same as God's. God isn't interested in making nice, or playing games, or putting a good face on things. God is interested in the truth. God doesn't lie to save someone's feelings or stay silent because what He needs to say might upset the status quo. And neither does Jesus. He has a message to preach, things to say, and he is going to say them. The world around him was full of injustice and hypocrisy. It was overflowing with suffering. Just as it is today.

I would love to stand up here and talk about how wonderful this parish is, what a good job we are doing. I would love to pat you each on the back and watch you smile back at me and have us all leave feeling just a little (or maybe a lot) better about ourselves. But I can't. Because Jesus is talking to all of us, today, and we need to listen. Jesus is loosing his temper with all of us, today. We need to listen.

Does the gospel today make you a little uncomfortable? It should. If it doesn't you probably weren't listening. Jesus says:

I came to bring fire to the earth, and how I wish it were already kindled! I have a baptism with which to be baptized, and what stress I am under until it is completed! Do you think that I have come to bring peace to the earth? No, I tell you, but rather division!

Those aren't comforting words. They are not meant to be. I used to squirm a bit when I heard this lesson read in church. It just didn't make sense to me. Why would the same guy who was preaching forgiveness of sins and a glorious new reality with God be talking about division and burning? Where was the Jesus I knew from Sunday school, cradling a little lamb in his arms and smiling sweetly?

Jesus had been preaching and teaching for a while by now. He had quite the reputation and he was drawing crowds. But he knew something about those people who came to see him. He knew that a lot of them were there just to see him perform a "trick." Some of them just wanted to be able to tell their neighbors they'd heard him speak. Some were there to find things to argue with him about. Some of them wanted to hear what "the other side" was talking about so they could form their counter arguments.

Were they really listening? Are we? Do we really hear the Word of God? Or do we hear what we want to hear? Does the Word penetrate our hearts and sink into the center of our being and change us? Or do we just come here on Sunday morning out of habit; or because we like the hymns; or for the friends we've made; or heaven forbid, the preacher.

Jesus lost his temper with his audience, and with us, because he understood human nature. He did come to kindle a fire on this earth; one lit by the Holy Spirit. A new way of life, a new path for God's people, all people. But Jesus looked out across the crowds and into our faces. Did he see blank faces staring back, or hostile eyes? Crossed arms, frowns, boredom? Did he see open listening hearts, or ones made of stone? He saw us. He knew that we would fall short, and he lost his temper.

He knew that we would divide ourselves in his name. It isn't God who splits churches and families, it is mankind. In the name of Jesus, or of being right, we create division. My parents got up and walked out of this place with half the congregation and a former priest. Many of you knew those people, some of you, like me, grew up with them (or watched them grow up). Did God split this parish, or did we? Did God split my family, or did we? God unites but mankind divides, and we have the gall to do it in God's name. Jesus knew that. He saw the schisms and the arguments. He saw into the stubbornness of human hearts and knew that we would grasp greedily at his words and claim them as our own. He knew our hearts would turn hard and obstinate and that we would prefer to turn our backs on one another before we admitted that our way might not be the only way.

Jesus saw all that in the faces spread out before him and he lost his temper. He understood God's frustration. Jesus knew today's reading from Isaiah:

(Isaiah 5:1) ... My beloved had a vineyard on a very fertile hill. 2 He dug it and cleared it of stones, and planted it with choice vines; he built a watchtower in the midst of it, and hewed out a wine vat in it; he expected it to yield grapes, but it yielded wild grapes. [...] 4 What more was there to do for my vineyard that I have not done in it? When I expected it to yield grapes, why did it yield wild grapes?

God did everything possible to set humanity up for success. Not once, but over and over again. And each time when God asked us to live as his people we said "no." We, humanity, turned and went our own way. Instead of sowing peace in the world, we created war. Instead of loving and caring for one another we abuse and exploit our fellow men and women. We spit in God's face, we rejected God's offer of a good life together with God. Is it any wonder that God looses his temper?

Isaiah 5: 5 And now I will tell you what I will do to my vineyard. I will remove its hedge, and it shall be devoured; I will break down its wall, and it shall be trampled down. 6 I will make it a waste; it shall not be pruned or hoed, and it shall be overgrown with briers and thorns; I will also command the clouds that they rain no rain upon it. [...] he expected justice, but saw bloodshed; righteousness, but heard a cry!

We are continually blind to our awesome, divine potential. God knows it, Jesus sees it. And yes, they both loose their tempers. We are a stubborn people, a frustrating people.

When it comes to the things that we think really concern us we pay plenty of attention. I can tell you its going to rain by the way the leaves on certain trees turn over. I can tell its time to leave the freeway and take the back way home if traffic is backed up at a certain spot. I can tell a friend is angry at me just by the sound she makes walking across the floor. We can all do those things, right? You can probably think of a hundred more little signs you pick up on around you.

So why can't we seem to see the kingdom of God that is all around us? Why do we, year after year, produce only bitterness? Why do we continue to refuse God's offer of a new way of being? God is making the offer, its been good since time began.

We knock down the vineyard walls with our refusal to accept the garden God has prepared for us. We divide families and communities with our stubborn insistence that we must be right. And we continue year after year after year to ignore God's call to be something different in the world. The Hebrews in Isaiah's time fell short, and in Jesus' time, and so do we. Is it any wonder Jesus raised his voice? Is it any wonder he shouted? I'm sure there were people in the crowd that day who turned to one another and said "who does he think he is?" Or who got up and walked away while he was still speaking. God is speaking to us in the reading's today. Whether we want to hear it or not.

The truth is, we don't want to hear the "good news," because it is not easy. We want the miracles and the cheer leading sermons. We want to listen to a charismatic leader pat us on the back and tell us how good we are. We want Jesus to smile gently as he holds a little lamb in his arms. We don't want to hear him as he condemns our divisive behavior, our deaf ears, and our blind eyes.

Sinead O'Connor sings a song based on the Isaiah reading today. I'd like you to listen to it:

"If You had a Vineyard" - Sinead Oconnor

What more could I have done in it
That I did not do in it
Why when I ask it for sweetness
It brings only bitterness
...
And sadness will come
To those who call evil good
And good evil who present
Darkness as light
And light as darkness
Who present as sweetness
Only the things which are bitterness

The readings today are hard, they make us uncomfortable when what we probably wanted was to come here and escape for a little bit. But God isn't offering us escape, and he isn't offering us a chance to be right. He is offering us a place in a new kingdom. One built not on the ways of the world, but on His ways. Are we willing to listen?

Thanksgiving for healing begun

Bright Lord of morning, we thank you for the tears that wash away misunderstanding and silence. We thank you for anger that breaks through into the open and brings with it hurts where they may be tended and cared for. We thank you for forgiveness and second chances, Gracious One. You kindle communication where there is silence, you kindle understanding where there is confusion. You bring about reconciliation and the beginning of healing. Let the healing once begun never waver. Let those brought together by your healing Spirit continue forward in your presence, a love and support for one another on their journey. In the name of the One God, Creator, Redeemer, and Sanctifier. Amen.

Lectionary Meditation (8/10/2007)

Lectionary for August 12th.

Some good stuff this week, I could easily use the gospel but since I'm not preaching I get to occasionally use what speaks to me, not to someone else. Here's the text from Hebrews for this week:

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. 2 Indeed, by faith our ancestors received approval. 3 By faith we understand that the worlds were prepared by the word of God, so that what is seen was made from things that are not visible. [...] 8 By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to set out for a place that he was to receive as an inheritance; and he set out, not knowing where he was going. 9 By faith he stayed for a time in the land he had been promised, as in a foreign land, living in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. 10 For he looked forward to the city that has foundations, whose architect and builder is God. 11 By faith he received power of procreation, even though he was too old--and Sarah herself was barren--because he considered him faithful who had promised. 12 Therefore from one person, and this one as good as dead, descendants were born, "as many as the stars of heaven and as the innumerable grains of sand by the seashore."

Faith and journey. Exactly the right thing for me at the moment, no? What is discernment but setting out on a journey without knowing the destination or the road. Discernment is much like Abraham, it requires saying "Yes." Abraham could have said no, he could have stayed in his own land, safe with his flocks and his family and remained just another wanderer. God did not force or coerce or trick him into his journey.

God offered, and Abraham said "Yes." That was all it took, saying yes, and God had a people. I can see myself in Abraham, safe and comfortable in my life. I'm younger, yes, but established and settled. I have a home, I've built a life that most would call comfortable and content. I have no reason to go haring off on some fool journey into the unknown.

But I said "yes." It took me awhile, but I suspect it took Abraham awhile as well. I will wander as well. Though I haven't moved yet, the stakes I had put down in this life have already been uprooted. There is no turning back. The land behind isn't home anymore and I do have faith that somewhere, out of sight in the distance is a new land. I don't know where my feet will be next year, where my head will find its pillow. In three years, four? Where then?

I'm no longer fresh out of college, wet behind the ears, young and eager. But God works in God's own time. God doesn't seem to care about how old we are or how set in our ways. God can use us, shape up, reform us if we let him. If we accept that change and step forward in trust.

There is the crux of it all, isn't it? Trust, and acceptance. And those two things lead us to the the first line of the reading from Luke. One little sentence that makes me smile:

Luke 12:32 "Do not be afraid, little flock, for it is your Father's good pleasure to give you the kingdom."

How I wish there was some way, any way to make this congregation understand and feel those words. Do not be afraid. There is a sermon in there, an entire sermon in those four words. For me they speak as well. I have accepted, I am learning to trust. And greatest miracle? I am no longer afraid...

Breathing prayer

Reflected light, green tinged and thick
slips unseen around grey trunks
that blend, and bleed into a heavy sky.
We breath air thick with heat
stirring water droplets fine as thought.
Heavy, still, waiting for the storm
to break. Waiting for the crack and tear
of jagged thunder. Parched hands
turned up toward promise, beseeching
blessing.

Prayer for memory

Lord we thank you for memory and emotion. We thank you for the raw cutting edge of them, for the long, slow healing flow of them. We are ever grateful that you made us creatures of love and sorrow, laughter and tears. Help us to be open to what we truly feel, to be honest with ourselves and those around us. Teach us not to fear the truth of our emotions, or the memories that make us who we are. Give us wisdom to find you in both the happiness and in the sorrow; and to know that you walk with us always. Amen.

Prayer for travel

Lord of creation we pray for all those who travel today. Give them patience as they deal with delays. Give them grace to be a blessing to their fellow travelers, and to those who work to bring them to their destination safely. We pray for all pilots and those who drive buses, trucks, and taxis. Give them keen eyes, quick reflexes, and wise minds to bring their passengers safely to their destinations. Care for all your children who travel God, those who go with joy and those who travel only because they must. Let their journeys, taken for so many reasons, bring them always closer to you. That they may remember you at their journey's end and rejoice in your presence. Amen.

Prayer to the creator

Divine and loving God. You created us in your image and in the shape of your mind. Men and women you created us. Mother and Father you made us. You birthed us from the rich red clay of creation and breathed life into us beside the holy waters of time. Yet we too often loose sight of the beauty of you and the beauty you created in us. Remind us, remake us, wash us, hold us, heal us with your loving hands Oh Mother/Father God. Teach us to love and not to hate, to heal and not to destroy. For you are Creator always, and Destroyer never. Amen.